Reflections of a Postulant

This is Anna taking the blog back over from my dad for one post!  I am home for 5 days for my first home visit.  It is such a blessing that in our community postulants are allowed to go home for Christmas with their families so while I have access to technology, I thought I would provide a short update.

Caitlin and I in front of the Christmas tree

The first four months have gone very well and have been very grace-filled.  It has been quite the transition; there is some culture shock in living a completely different lifestyle.  There has been a lot of adjustment to the early mornings, stricter schedule, less frequent communication, and in living obedience and poverty.  For the first three years, we don't take the vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience, but we try to live those vows in preparation for the commitment that we hope to make.  I was already striving for a life of chastity before entrance, but it has been quite the change to no longer make decisions about what my day will entail, what kind of shampoo I will use, or who I will talk to.  As I continue to dive deeper into formation, there will be more ways for me to practice poverty and obedience such as less frequent contact through letters.

As I pray the stations of the cross, I have been particularly reflecting on the tenth station, "Jesus is stripped of his garments". In many ways, this journey is a way that I can give of myself to share in Christ's passion.  In separating myself from sin and wordly attachments, the goal is to be stripped from all things except Christ so that I can be more conformed to Him every day.  The vulnerability that is required is intimidating and I often fail or become frustrated, but especially in this Christmas season, it is such a gift to be able to reflect on the vulnerability of Christ.

At my parish, the nativity scene is set up right in front of the altar which is below a large crucifix.  This morning during the consecration at Mass, I was struck by the ways that Christ became so vulnerable for us.  Coming as a tiny baby, our all powerful God became dependent on human beings.  At his Crucifixion, stripped of his clothing, Jesus died the death of a criminal to save us from our sins.  And in the Eucharist, Christ gives himself to us in the simple humble appearance of bread and wine. In her book, Wood of the Cradle, Wood of the Cross, Caryll Houselander said, "We are asked to offer only what we have, what we are today.  That it is so little means nothing: it is our wafer of unleavened bread."

Please know that I carry each family member, friend, and blog reader in my heart throughout this journey.  In the upcoming months you won't hear from me as frequently as before, but I will continue to pray for all of you, particularly in my night adoration hours.  I keep a book of intentions that are sent to me, and I also have a list of birthdays.  While I might not be able to send a card, be assured that I offer my prayers, work, joys, and sufferings for family and friends on their birthdays.  The transition is not always easy, but the religious life that God has called me to is beautiful and I am so blessed to be able to spend so much time in prayer and conversation with our Lord.  God Bless You!

Anna's Advent Reflections - Weeks 2-4

Note: I'm typing snail-mail reflections Anna prepared for advent (with slight modifications).  
A little late now that Christmas season is here, but better late than never??Ray

Week 2: Prepare the way of the Lord, make straight his paths.

I have been reflecting on how to prepare the way of the Lord during this Advent season.  Mother Maria Theresia (founder of the order) has a quote, "Mary will gladly place Him into our hearts if .... we have 'prepared room' for him."  I am so grateful for the gift of faith and example of love that has been given to me by my family.  When I think of how to prepare my heart the sacraments come to mind first, especially reconciliation where God in His mercy offers His full forgiveness.  I also think of scripture, which the second reading mentions.  I have started reading scripture more since I've been at the convent because we have a half hour of daily meditation (and because one of our teachers asks us each week what we have been reading in the Bible and what God has revealed to us in our meditation!).  I've been using the lectio divina method (as explained in Called to Life), and I am frequently reminded in prayer that Scripture is a living letter from our Lord.

I am struck by the fact that Advent as a season mirrors the way we prepare our hearts each time we have the opportunity to receive Jesus in the Eucharist.  My prayer this week is that as we prepare the way of the Lord, our love for the Eucharist deepens. 

Week 3: Make your hearts firm, because the coming of the Lord is at hand.

The countdown is now in the single digits - 8 days until I get to leave for a home visit!  I'm not sure I've ever been so excited about something before - the anticipation is building each day.  Which makes me think twice when reflecting on today's second reading.  How much greater should our anticipation be for the coming of the Lord!  I guess in some ways this Advent season that is forcing us to practice patience is a gift because it offered us a glimpse of how our hearts burn out of desire for God - of that desire to see Him face to face which is what we were create for.

I think it is also worth reflecting on the first reading from Isaiah which says, "Those whom the Lord ransomed will return and enter Zion singing, crowned with everlasting joy; they will meet with joy and gladness, sorrow and mourning will flee."  Those words paint a beautiful picture.  And interestingly enough they remind me of sacrifice.  There are 2 analogies that are used here often.  One is that each time we offer up an inconvenience, hold back from complaining, etc. we are adding another jewel to the crown we will receive in heaven.  I have also come to a better appreciation of offering something up (or enduring something with joy) for the poor souls in Purgatory.  First of all, it is so beautiful to think that you are helping a soul get one step closer to Eternity with God, but then when they get to Heaven, each soul we saved will intercede for us.  Pretty awesome.  My prayer this week is that we will deepen our desire for God each day.

Week 4: When Joseph awoke, he did as the angel of the Lord had commanded him.  

Week 4 has arrived!  Hard to believe.  I love this week's Gospel about St. Joseph.  first of all because it just shows complete trust in God no matter how crazy His plan may seem.  I think of how long I wrestled with saying yes to my vocation and how I struggle with doing God's will each day.  But it appears that Joseph just acted without hesitation when he heard God speak through the angel.

Blessed Maria Theresia had such a devotion to St. Joseph.  She would place her bills and requests under his statue and he would provide.  He was her protector wherever she went - including when her stagecoach was help up when she was traveling from Lafayette, IN to Columbus, NE.  Each of the sisters still have "of St. Joseph" at the end of their name in gratitude for all he provided for the community.  

Lastly, I think of that Todd Agnew song when Joseph says "this is all I have to give" (Link to Todd Agnew's explanation of the song).  Such an example of humility and an example to us that in our sinfulness and limitations, Jesus gladly accepts all that we give to Him, no matter how small, because it's done out of love.

My prayer this week is that St. Joseph and the holy family will bless time together as families this Christmas so that we may grow in holiness.  

Advent Reflection from Anna

Note: I'm typing Anna's snail-mail reflections on advent with slight modifications. 
Ray

Happy Advent!

The ending of the reading from Isaiah from the 1st Sunday of Advent readings "let us walk in the light of the Lord" reminds me of that great DC Talk song "In the Light" (lyrics, video).  It makes me think of all the earthly attachments to material things an to sin that lead me astray from that path to walk on in the light of the Lord.  Even at the convent my mind races during prayer as I think of my to do list, what I will ear for dinner, or as I judge another sister for being irreverent.  If my on and only goal in life is to love and serve God, why can't I just "put on Jesus Christ and make no provision for the desires of the flesh" as Paul says in the second reading?

There is no doubt that my Advent season will be quieter and will allow for more prayer than yours, but we all have such an opportunity this Advent to decrease our desire for the flesh and increase our dependence on God.

I think of Our Lady of Mount Carmel's commitment to the Adopt an Angel program and how the clients you serve lack material things.You observe the clients daily dependence on God and observe God working through those who buy gifts, donate money, deliver gifts and help run the Adopt and Angel program.  I think of the blessing you have and how you show them a glimpse of God's unconditional love by providing food, toys, and joy.  I think of the ways that you sacrifice daily at home and work and how that giving increases the capacity of your hearts for love. 

My prayer this week is that we depend totally on God.

Anna

Anna's Reflection on Germany - Part 1

Note: I'm typing Anna's snail-mail reflections on her trip to Germany with the Sisters of Saint Francis of Perpetual Adoration to attend the beatification of their founder, Mother Maria Theresia Bonzel. Anna spent time in Paderborn and Olpe, Germany, where the motherhouse of Anna's order and home of their founder are located. 
Ray

While the trip was a pilgrimage, there was really not much suffering or sacrifice - we were treated like VIPS for the most part.  The most difficult part was the travel and jet lag.  The travel there went very smoothly.  I was nervous how the trip was going to go when we were at the airport.  The novitiate had all packed lunches and snacks from the motherhouse in Mishawaka since we were leaving at 9:30 am and our flight wasn't until 3:15.  I had packed an empty water bottle so that I could fill it in the airport - definitely a way that I have increase my poverty;  I would have never packed any of that in my BC (before convent) life. 

I sat in the middle section of the plane.  It was hard to sleep as there was a lot of turbulence plus it was still afternoon in Indiana.  We landed early at 5 am German time, 11 pm Indiana time.  I slept about an hour and a half I think, but did rest for longer than that. When we landed, the airport was pretty empty - I think that is an unusual time for international flights to come in.  We got into two busses and drove to Olpe, Germany.  That was the hardest part of the trip for me.  Five of us postulants were squished in a back seat, and I just wanted to sleep, but everyone was excited - talking and singing.  I was really tired and grumpy.  When we arrived at the motherhouse about 7:30, all the sisters were waiting at the door.  It was like a receiving line with about 50 sisters!  Sr. Magdelena, the general superior, was one of the first ones in line.  It was funny because you had no clue who spoke English, so I just looked at everyone and said "Hallo" in a very American way and hugged them.  One of the German sisters (Sr. Petra) knew the names of all the postulants from the website - impressive!  Even Luke (the boy who was cured through the intercession of Mother Maria Theresia) and his family were there to greet us.

Once all 53 of us made it through the line, we went right to the chapel and sang the Te Deum in English (Holy God We Praise Thy Name) and then went right to the little room where Mother's casket was kept.  Sr. Rose Agnes who went to Germany 2 weeks before us explained that the Vatican had sent a team to move her body from the old casket to the new casket and to gather relics of her body from her leg bone and that she had been there to witness it. She said at some point, wax was put on her as a preservation method, so you could see some of her features.  She especially commented on her hands. In many pictures you can see her hands and how they were clearly arthritic.  She seems to have really long finger though.  It was interesting to hear about that.  We said a prayer, ate breakfast, and then tried all day to stay awake.  We really just hung out and kind of explored the motherhouse. 

I went to the chapel and to the place where Mother's body was kept.  As I sat in the chapel I was glad for the various faith experiences that we had as a family.  For many, it was so hard to get past the non-traditionalism of the chapel that they couldn't see its unique beauty. While it was not the architecture I would have chosen for a church, it was quite unique and you could see symbolism in it.  It made the old OLMC church seem bright and cheery.  The walls were really dark and it had to have been at least 4 stories tall.  The only lighting came from individual bulbs that hung from the ceiling.  It seemed like the ceiling went forever!  The only lighting came from individual bulbs that hung from the ceiling.  It seemed like the ceiling went on forever! 

I looked at the Stations of the Cross, which were metal round plates with carvings in them and while not particularly striking in their shape and style, there were some really beautiful interpretations.  The artist really depicted Satan throughout the whole Way of the Cross which I have not seen much.  My favorite was station 12 – Jesus Dies on the Cross.  The station had Jesus on the Cross and a snake holding an apple was at the bottom left of the cross.  On the bottom right was a priest kneeling and holding a chalice in consecration.  Of course I knew that the Eucharist is the representation of the sacrifice of Jesus offered on Calvary, but you rarely see it portrayed that way in art.  It really provided some great material for meditation.  The other one I really liked was the 14^th station – Jesus is placed in the tomb.  It was a very different tomb than we are used to seeing with no rock in sight.  It almost looked like a metal box with some accents.  One night we were talking about it and Celeste (another postulant) commented it looks like a tabernacle.  I loved that!  That Jesus rose from the dead to open the gates of heaven, but still leaves his body for us ever present in the tabernacle. 

While it was difficult to stay up, I couldn’t believe how much we ate!  From the sack lunches at the airport, meals on the plane, 2 meals at the motherhouse, and one at the hotel, we at 6 meals in 24 hours!
 
We finally were able to check into the hotel.  I think we took up 90% of the hotel.  It was a really nice hotel – especially for Europe.  There was the main building and a second building across a little creek that was refurbished several years ago.  We were in the refurbished building and each of us had a bed.  I was with 2 other postulants, and it felt like a slumber party with lots of girl talk.  The showers were very nice.  You could adjust the temperature and pressure and there were heated towel racks.  Luxury!  The other building did not have heated towel racks or even hot water on a regular basis. Sr. Marie described it as showering in a frozen daiquiri.  So we were extra blessed, especially because our rooms were bigger with fewer people.  I went to Sr. Margaret Mary’s room which had 4 sisters – all perpetually professed – and their room was only about half the size of ours.
 
There was a chapel across the street where we had Morning Prayer each day. It was built in the 1730’s and Mother Theresia herself had prayed in the chapel.  I was surprised to learn that it was so unusual to have churches this old in Germany.  So many churches were destroyed by bombs in WWII.  The parish church in Olpe was destroyed by fire shortly after Mother’s death (1907).  They rebuilt and then it was heavily damaged by a bomb in 1945.  There were originally 2 huge bell towers, but they never rebuilt the one that was destroyed by the bomb to serve as a reminder of what war can do son now there is just one bell tower.  The original mother house was also severely damaged by the bomb.  That is when they built the new motherhouse which is just outside of town.  Our hotel was a few blocks from the old motherhouse but about ¾ of a mile to the new motherhouse.  It was all uphill – and pretty steep, but I chose to walk it most of the time.  It took about 15 minutes.  The old motherhouse was 2 blocks from St. Martin’s church, and Mother’s house that she grew up in is right next to the church.  It was for sale a while ago and the sisters tried to buy it, but someone heard they were interested and hiked the price so high they could not afford it.  It is now a restaurant.  One day during our free time, Rachel, Kim and I went to the restaurant and got French Fries and Coca-Lights just so we could be in the house that Mother grew up in. It was fun to imagine what might have been where and knowing that she sat where we were sitting. The sisters gave us a tour of Olpe so we could see all the sights that are important to the history of our order.  We postulants are learning about the history of the order right now in our class.  It makes the history of the community seem more alive because you can now picture everything.  Each day we read something from the history of our community at supper.  Last night was the dedication of the chapel in the new motherhouse.  Every single one of us could picture exactly what they were talking about.
 

One other note about the war. On the first day at lunch, I was sitting with the German Sr. Petra (We also have a Sr. Petra in the Eastern Province and it is extra confusing because German Sr. Petra is the most fluent in English in the German Province and American Sr. Petra is the most fluent in German in the Eastern Province!  Our Sr. Petra spent 4 years working in Austria and then worked for the Austrian government in Washington, DC before joining the convent.  There is also a Sr. Veronica in the German and Eastern Provinces and a Sr. Margaret Mary in the Western and Eastern Provinces.)  Anyway, Sr. Aline from our province was talking about how her grandparents came from Germany and spoke German at home but that her Dad wouldn’t let them teach his kid’s German as he fought in WWII and wanted to disconnect his family from Germany in every way possible.  Sr. Petra was also talking about the war, and I just had tears in my eyes as I looked at all of us there – there was really a family feel in the greeting of the sisters and the interactions with them, and to think in the lifetime of many of the sisters, our countries were mortal enemies.  That my grandfather was fighting against the fathers or grandfathers of the sisters.  And here we are today with no hard feelings, no fear, no anger.  It also made me reflect on the difficult job of the provincial at the time.  I had heard it was almost impossible for her to communicate with the other provinces during the war and that many of the German convents were bombed, so she had a lot on her plate.  To think that even during that time, faith transcended culture or citizenship and that the sisters were still united.  What a blessing to be part of this community.

OK, that is the background. Next, I’ll provide the big highlights which I am sure will be interspersed with lots of side notes. 
Next Germany Reflection: Saturday – The Vigil in