Today's the Day!

The big day is here!  This afternoon I will be heading up to Mishawaka to move into my room and my official entrance is tomorrow.  The last 24 hours have been the most emotional in a while.  Thursday night some of my girlfriends set up a "Bachelorette-type" party.  We rented the HandleBar, which is a mobile bar that is powered by 10 bikes.  One of the girls made "veils" out of black tablecloths and silver headbands.  It actually turned out to be a great evangelization tool as we got a lot of questions about the matching veils. 

When I woke up yesterday morning, everything felt so much more real.  I have felt very sad - sad to be leaving my family and friends, sad to leave life as I know it, and sad to give up all communication besides letters.  I am nervous that I will be homesick.  I worry that I won't fit in or that I won't be holy enough.  The unknown scares me a little bit.  But what I feel most strongly is peace, which is so reassuring.  Even amidst the fear and the emotions, God is there and God is providing. 

The comments that you all have shared on the blog, on Facebook, through letters, in texts, and face to face have been so encouraging.  The outpouring of support that I have received has been a blessing that I never expected.  While I won't be able to update the blog any more, I will be keeping all of my blog readers in my prayers and I would love if you can keep me in your prayers as well.  My dad, Ray, has offered to keep up the blog based on letters and visits so please keep checking back!

I have been surrounded by love from family and friends my whole life, but I have never known a love like the love of Christ.  That unconditional love that led Him to die on the cross, to send His Holy Spirit so that we are never alone, to provide the most beautiful gifts in the sacraments of the Eucharist and Reconciliation.  God is never outdone in generosity so while it's not easy, I just ask that you trust God's plan for your life.  Trusting his will for my vocation is the most exciting and rewarding thing I have ever done and I can't wait to see where the adventure will lead if I keep putting my trust in Him each day!

Detachment

As a Catholic School girl, I wore uniforms for 13 years and I loved every minute of it. While my sister mourned the fact that she couldn't wear her sparkly, pink dresses to grade school, I viewed uniforms as a way to make my life easier. When I woke up just before the carpool arrived, it was a blessing that I could just throw on that plaid skirt with no decision making required.

My third grade uniform.  I'm the blond one in the jumper. 
This was the day my dad brought insects into school!

When I got my first internship, I realized that after all my years of uniforms and wearing sweatpants and hoodies to class in college (it was an all women's school-no need to dress up!), I had no business casual clothes to make it through the summer. When I walked into The Limited one afternoon in May, I discovered that I love shopping.  Fast forward five years and I now have a closet of full of clothes and shoes that I no longer need.

Life in the convent is pretty simple even for the younger sisters who haven't yet made a vow of poverty.  When I was accepted to the community, I received a packing list that among other things included the following:

Sunday shoes on the left and everyday shoes on the right. 

• Three pairs of shoes, all black with no markings
• One pair sandals, all black
• Seven white button down long sleeve shirts
• Seven white V-Neck undershirts
• Panty-hose or thigh-highs
• Robe (simple, modest)
• Slips
• Shoe Polish
• Stationary, Stamps
• A few personal items (pictures, statutes, etc)
• A few hobby items
• Rosary, Bible, Catechism

It was actually more than I expected to be able to bring, but a much more limited list of material things than I typically use in a day.  At first, it was quite challenging to get rid of things.  I have never really thought of myself as a worldly person, but there are so many memories associated with each of my things.  And without intending to, I tied my identity to the things I own.  I know that the only identity that matters is that I am the daughter of God, but I will admit that oftentimes I define who I am with material things.  I am reminded of the young man in Matthew Chapter 19 who asked Jesus what he had to do to inherit eternal life.  Jesus told him to sell his things, and he left sad because he had a lot of possessions.

In this process of preparing to enter the convent, I have discovered that I was (and still am) attached to many things.  When I quit my job, I realized that I put a lot of weight on my career and that I had allowed my occupation to define me.



My shopping cart at Target on Tuesday.
What vow of poverty? ;)

Dessert from Cerulean last night. 
Eating out is another attachment I'll be giving up. 

With the challenge of giving away my things, I think buying my new things was even more difficult.  For one thing, it made my vocation feel much more real as I was taking tangible steps towards entrance, but it also reminded me of just how much of my former identify I was leaving behind.  I wasn't just giving away my favorite dress to make room in the closet for a new one, I was replacing it with clothes that I would have never been caught dead wearing prior to entrance!  While it is a challenge, this stripping away of my old self is also one of the things that is so attractive about religious life.  It allows me to focus on what really matters, which is my relationship with Christ, and it purifies me to be His bride!

Life at the Convent

Yesterday I had a few friends over for an Open House to get together before I leave and there was a blessing and reception at Mass today.  It was inspirational to talk to so many friends and strangers who were supportive of my entrance and of religious life.  As I was chatting with people, I found myself often explaining how my life will change when I enter the convent.  From my visits to Mishawaka and my conversations with the sisters, I wanted to provide some insight into my schedule and progression in religious life.

Daily Life

Mornings are early at the motherhouse!  On weekdays, I would guess that I will wake up around 4:30am so that I can get ready and eat breakfast before meditation begins at 5:30am.  After a half hour of silent meditation, the sisters pray morning prayer (or Lauds), and then have Mass.  In the morning, the postulants and novices (see below for explanation) have classes and do chores.  There are staff people to assist with some of the larger "chores" such as cooking and community laundry, but the sisters typically do many of the cleaning tasks including dishes, vacuuming, and washing windows.  The classes are taught by other sisters or occasionally priests or lay people, such as Notre Dame professors and include topics such as religious life, the history of the community, scripture, and vows.  I won't earn another degree from these classes, but I know that I will learn a lot more about religious life. 

At 11:45 is midday prayer and lunch.  The afternoon includes more chores and classes and sometimes visits to the older sisters in assisted living.  At 5:00, all the sisters gather for rosary, evening prayer (Vespers) and benediction.  After dinner, we will participate in recreation, which is essentially free time spent together.  Often the sisters will play board games or go for a walk.  It is an important time to build community and get to know the other sisters better.  Sometimes it is customary in religious life to eat meals in silence or while listening to spiritual reading.  The Sisters of St. Francis of Perpetual Adoration talk during all three meals because they view meal times as an important community building time as well.  After recreation, the sisters say night prayer (Compline) and then hit the hay.

The Motherhouse in Mishawaka (From SSFPA Website)

Stages of Religious Life

I am currently a candidate with the Franciscans, which essentially means that I have been accepted, but have not yet entered and started living with the community.  On Sunday, I will become a postulant, meaning that I will live with the sisters and participate in their life, but I will not officially be part of the community.  I will wear a blue jumper as opposed to the brown habit and I will keep my name.  I will still be called Anna - there won't be "Sister" in front.  God-willing, in August 2014, I will become a novice and receive the religious habit and my new Sister name.  I wrote about how that process works in my Native Americans and Name Changes Post.  As a novice, my schedule will be similar to that of a postulant.  In fact the novices and postulants live in the same house and eat all their meals together.  The novices are now used to living the lifestyle, so they enter into more intense prayer and study.  There are two novice years and in the second year, the novices are able to participate in the community's ministry for a few months.  My community's apostolates (ministries) are health care and education.  Novices and postulants do not have access to email, phones, or social media to allow for an intimacy with Christ with fewer distractions.  I will be able to receive letters.

If I decide to continue in religious life, I will make temporary vows, which are then renewed.  While it is not the same, these temporary vows kind of remind me of a couple engaged to be married.  Upon engagement, the couple is saying, "we want to get married and are committed to the relationship", but they are not making the life-long 'til death do us part vows.  After a total of eight years of formation, the sister makes perpetual vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience.  These vows are different from the marriage vows I mentioned above because they are perpetual.  Scripture tells us that people are not married in Heaven, but Heaven is a life fully dedicated to Christ, so the vows that religious take allow them to have a taste of Heaven on Earth. 


I am a little bit nervous about the unknown, but as my entrance date approaches, I am getting more and more excited for all that God has in store.  God has granted me so much joy and peace about entering the convent.  What a blessing!

Back to Reality

I'm back from vacation and back to reality.  That used to mean catching up on emails and setting up meetings to find out what happened at work when I was gone.  Now it means back to talking about my vocation!  It was kind of strange in that on vacation, no one knew me as "that girl who is going to the convent" - everyone just viewed me as a normal tourist.

It used to be very difficult for me to talk about my vocation because I viewed it as a very personal matter.  It was what I was called to for my life.  As I became more sure that this was what God was calling me to, I had to start talking about it a little bit more, and only then did I realized that it was not simply my calling.  While I was ultimately the one to respond to God's call, it was only possible because it was cultivated through the prayer and faith formation from the communities that I have been part of. 

This journey is possible because of the couple who told me "we have been praying for vocations for years but we didn't realize we were praying for you!".  It's a result of the high school friends who weren't afraid to show their faith and invited me to youth ministry events.  It's present in the non-Catholic co-worker who opened up about her own life and faith upon learning about the reason I was quitting.  It's reflected in the woman who sent me a letter from her nursing home telling me that she prays for me and my family daily. 

The family, youth ministers, teachers, colleagues, campus ministers, friends, priests, and random strangers who have taught me about the faith or who have prayed for me are part of this vocation.  God did not grant me the beautiful gift of being a sister for me.  The vocation that is unfolding is our journey and I for one can't wait to see where it leads. 

Native Americans and Name Changes

I love going to different churches because it shows the universality of the Catholic Church, but also gives insight to the local culture and traditions.  On Saturday evening, we went to the Vigil Mass at the parish of my friends Christina and Austin who live in Santa Fe. 

The weekend we were in town happened to be Indian Market and as part of the celebration, the Cathedral Basilica of St. Francis of Assisi held a Native American Mass. 

Cathedral Basilica of St. Francis

Inside of St. Francis with Native American
decorations

The two hour long Mass included a few traditional Native American dances and readings in Navajo.  Some of the Native Americans wore their traditional clothing and others dressed up as eagles or with antlers as shown in the picture.  Their entire faces were covered! 

A somewhat blurry picture of the dancers

Much of the homily focused on one of the newest saints of the Catholic Church, St. Kateri Tekakawitha.  I knew a little bit about St. Kateri, but she is so beloved at this Mass and in the Archdiocese of Santa Fe since she is the first Native American saint.  It was interesting to me to see how proud the people were of "their" saint, and the Archbishop shared some information about the years that the community had prayed for her canonization. 


Statue of St. Kateri outside St. Francis of Assisi

Saints are so important to the Church because they are models of holiness and their lives point only to God.  Religious sisters typically take the name of a saint that they admire or who has influenced their life or discernment.  God-willing, I will receive my new religious name and habit at my investiture in August 2014.  In my community, the postulants (first years) select a few names and submit the names and a paragraph explanation of the importance of each one to the superior who ultimately selects the name after much prayer. 
Name changes throughout the Bible reflect a conversion or the beginning of a new life.  Think Abraham (from Abram), Sarah (Sarai), Peter (Simon), and Paul (Saul).  Sisters also have a name change to reflect their new life as a bride of Christ.  It doesn't mean that the "old" life was bad, but that the Sister has a new identity, kind of in the same way that a married woman takes on her husband's last name as she becomes one with him. 

I had been thinking about this post yesterday before I prayed Morning Prayer.  This part from Isaiah 62:2-5 stood out to me:

Nations shall behold your vindication,
and all kings your glory;
you shall be called by a new name
pronounced by the mouth of the Lord.
You shall be a glorious crown in the hand of the Lord,
a royal diadem held by your God. 

No more shall men call you “Forsaken,”
or your land “Desolate,”
but you shall be called “My Delight,”
and your land “Espoused.”
For the Lord delights in you,
and makes your land his spouse.

As a young man marries a virgin,
your Builder shall marry you;
and as a bridegroom rejoices in his bride
so shall your God rejoice in you.

What beautiful words from scripture!

Loosey Goosey

We planned much of our trip before leaving Indiana, but there were a few days that we left open. I'm very much a planner, so typically that makes me feel pretty unsettled. On this particular day, we woke up at the Grand Canyon and decided that we would head towards Flagstaff and see where the day took us. After a leisurely breakfast at the hotel and a stop at McDonalds for Diet Cokes (the total for two was $7.06-quite a bit more than the $2.10 it would have cost at home!), we hit the road. We ended up going to Sedona, AZ and found an adorable cafe that had spectacular wine flights. Our light lunch was excellent - Mom had gazpacho that she loved and I had zucchini stuffed with pine nuts, lemon, basil, and ricotta. We had such great conversation and laughter.

Mom with her gazpacho

We stopped at a Catholic shrine called Church of the Holy Cross on the way out of town and headed to Flagstaff. We really knew nothing about Flagstaff and so we had no expectations (which my Dad has been trying to tell me is the best way to live life for years!  His mantra is "no expectations").  We found a hotel and checked into our room with a balcony overlooking the fire pit in the courtyard and headed to a brewery.
 



Mother Road Brewery and Pizzicletta

We shared a sampler the got back into the car to find a place to eat dinner. As we drove off, we noticed an adorable corner restaurant called Pizzicletta. We decided to give it a shot and ended up having the best meal of our trip. 



Gelato at Pizzicletta

Since I am such a planner, I have sometimes felt almost paralyzed if I stray from my pre-laid plans. In my discernment, God has continued to show me that my plan is meaningless unless it is to follow the path that He has for me. Just as we discovered great spots because we were willing to explore without a plan, He has continued to show me that when I let go of my own simple plans, I discover a beautiful new freedom in Christ.

"For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the LORD, plans for your welfare, not for woe! plans to give you a future full of hope. When you call me, when you go to pray to me, I will listen to you. When you look for me, you will find me. Yes, when you seek me with all your heart." - Jeremiah 29:11-13

Lord, I Need You

One of the hikes that we did at Zion was called Hidden Canyon. It put us out of our comfort zone particularly because there were many times that the path was right along steep cliffs that opened up to the canyon below. Sometimes it seemed like the only thing keeping us from falling to our death in the canyon was a chain attached to the rock that we clung to. It made me nervous(and made my mom even more nervous!) but as I have reflected on the experience, I keep thinking of the times in my life when it seemed like the only thing that kept me from falling to despair was clinging to Jesus. During difficult times, it's easy to see how much we need God, but I often forget that I am nothing without the Lord; that I need Him each and every day. I love this video of Matt Maher performing his song, "Lord, I Need You" at World Youth Day. It is such a beautiful reminder that we are all in need of the Lord. That when we say yes to His will, we don't have to worry about falling into the abyss below because God will catch our fall. That in Him we are truly free.

Radical Christianity

Daily Mass has been part of my prayer routine for about a year and a half. I have been trying to keep it up on vacation, but it has been a challenge as the national parks we have visited are in small towns and the nearest Catholic churches are really far away. Many of these churches are mission churches, so the only masses are on Sundays. We were at Zion National Park last Sunday. We talked to a park ranger who got out a huge book to find that there is a Catholic Mass at 8am in the lodge. When we walked into the auditorium there was a man standing there with long, shabby, blonde hair. He had a beard and his appearance reminded me in a way of John the Baptist; he looked like he had just emerged from the wilderness to share the good news with us. He introduced himself as a deacon from the church that was 50 miles away. He explained that our service would be a SCAP, Sunday Celebration in Absence of a Priest. He said that there is only one bishop in Utah and since it is a very rural state and because they don't have enough priests, there are many places in the state that can't have Sunday Mass. Most of the communion services I have been to have lasted 10-15 minutes, but this one lasted about an hour as the deacon walked around the auditorium preaching about the value of each day that God gives us. His wrist tattoo showed through his vestments as he asked us to pray for religious vocations and to be open to God's will.

San Felipe de Neri Church in Albuquerque, New Mexico

He was a radical man with a radical message. While it was easy to dismiss him as crazy, it reminded me of a conversation I had with a friend a few days before she left to be a missionary in Haiti. She said that people have mentioned that she is crazy for giving up everything to move to a third world country without what are considered basic necessities by American standards. As we reflected in the ways that God has called us in our own lives, we discussed how being a Christian really is a radical way to live. When you look at the saints, they were all counter cultural. Not all of us are called to such a radical life as being a sister or a missionary, but we are all called to radically live our faith.

The deacon also reminded me of the importance to pray for priestly vocations. Through part of my discernment, I was frustrated because it seemed to me like religious vocations weren't encouraged near as much as priestly vocations. I think that in the year and a half since I started discerning, religious vocations have been promoted more, a lot due to the Imagine Sisters Movement, but I have also come to realize that we cannot have religious vocations (or any vocations for that matter) without priests. My parish is huge, but we are blessed to have four priests. Many people, however, do not have access to a priest or to the sacraments that are so vital to our faith, the sacraments that were so vital to the discovery of my own vocation.  Let us pray for an abundance of holy men who are willing to respond to God's beautiful call to serve Him.

Nature

So far on our trip, we have experienced some of the most beautiful creation. We started the journey in Durango, CO where we went hiking in the mountains and stopped to see a view of the whole city from above.

Me at Mesa Verde

We saw the ancient villages in the cliffs at Mesa Verde, went hiking on a primitive trail near the natural windows in Arches National Park, hiked with the hoodoos and in slot canyons in Bryce, watched huge lightening bolts in a far off thunderstorm as we drove down the interstate, and hiked to a rock at Zion where water that came down as rain 1,000 years ago permeated through the rock.

Arches National Park

My mom with the hoodoos at Bryce National Park

We stood in awe of a double rainbow over the Grand Canyon. Even the rest stops were breathtaking!  I read a little bit about the Grand Canyon on the way there and my tourist guide said that the rocks at the bottom of the canyon are 8 billion years old. Wow - that's old!  As I was hiking down below the rim, it occurred to me that if God's plan for the beauty of the Grand Canyon spans 8 billion years than maybe his plan for my vocation makes more sense than I give Him credit for!

I'm famous! (In Carmel at least...)

My pastor, Fr. Richard Doerr, wrote a beautiful Pastor's Notes in the Our Lady of Mt. Carmel bulletin about the Sisters of St. Francis of Perpetual Adoration and my entrance. Click on the August 18th bulletin in the link above.

Please pray for Fr. Richard as he is on pilgrimage on the Camino!  You can follow his blog as well.

Background

I have been raised in a Catholic family and attended Catholic schools for 17 years. I was aware of religious sisters at a young age and always tried to be open to a vocation to religious life. I went to college and found a major that I loved and was good at: accounting. I landed an awesome job at a Big 4 Accounting Firm and started on a career path. I traveled, worked long hours, and loved my job. I lived with a friend in a great apartment in a fun part of town.  My life was perfect but something seemed to be missing. I started feeling this call to go to daily Mass. I am absolutely not a morning person and was always scrambling to get out the door to make it to work at a reasonable time, so I couldn't fathom getting up earlier to make it to Mass. I had good intentions when I went to bed, but only got out of bed early enough a few times. About 6 months later I took a monthlong sabbatical from my job to study for the CPA exam. I started going to Mass more frequently because I had a more flexible schedule (I could sleep until 11 and still make it to Mass-glorious!). When I allowed my heart to be silenced and entered into the mystery of the Eucharist, I started to experience God on a deeper level and it was easier to hear His voice. It was through Jesus present in the Eucharist that I started to feel called to religious life. A lot of people have asked me what that calling feels like. It's not easy to explain, but I would say that it was weird and gradual. Because God knows me so intimately, He knew that I would need plenty of time to adjust to the idea and fully respond to His will. I can't imagine Mary's fiat when she agreed to be the mother of Christ with no hesitation!  For me, it was kind of just a gut feeling that this was what I was supposed to do. At times it made me feel physically sick to my stomach because I absolutely did not want to be a sister. I made lists of all the reasons it would be horrible, all the things I would have to give up and all the ways I could propose to God that would probably be a better way to serve him than as a sister (ha!). But despite all of that, there was something attracting me to the religious life. I would find myself looking at websites of different orders when I was supposed to be studying, staring at nuns at Mass, praying more about my vocation.

I kept this feeling a secret and finally told my family about four months later. At that point life became a whirlwind of visiting different communities, meeting with my new spiritual director, answering questions, and trying to discern God's will. I visited four separate communities and there were two that I wanted to visit again. Over time and through prayer, I heard God say, "You will serve me beautifully in either community you are considering, but I want you to be a Sister of St. Francis of Perpetual Adoration." I have such an attraction to perpetual adoration which has been fostered in my own parish's perpetual adoration chapel. And the order that I am entering is so joyful; from the first time I visited I have felt a sense of belonging in the community. Throughout my whole discernment, God has provided for me in every way. He must know how quickly I would give up if it wasn't easy!  One of the beautiful blessings God has given me this summer is time away with my family. I have always struggled (and still do) with why religious life requires such separation from family. I know that it will allow me to enter fully into an intimate and personal relationship with my Lord and that God will provide the grace, but it is still my biggest fear. With these two weeks of vacation, God is providing time to just be with my family. It's a trip that I'm sure we would never have done if I was not entering the convent and it is just another example of the abundant blessings God is pouring out on the Hoefers!

Introduction

I recently quit my job as a CPA to pursue a religious vocation with the sisters of St. Francis of Perpetual Adoration. I enter the convent on September 1, 2013. I am blessed to have no student loans (thanks Mom and Dad!) and no other debt,  so I had enough flexibility to leave my secure job 2 months before entrance to volunteer with the Merciful Help Center Tools for School program. I am also taking a two week vacation to Colorado, Utah, Arizona, and New Mexico.  I felt called to start a blog to keep friends and family updated, to document my travels and emotions, and to provide an insight into religious vocations.